importing files with Chinese characters to R

I should post this on StackOverFlow..
Here’s some explanation on ASCII and UTF encoding. https://stackoverflow.com/questions…
My problem:
our questionnaire has some chinese characters, as you can imagine, all the location name is in Chinese, people’s name, seed variety, herbicide and pesticide etc, as well as the strategies they use. In excel, these characters can display fine, and so was the first time I processed them in R (now think about it, could be that I was using my mac instead of lenovo).
Anyway, the challenge is that I need to process the data in R, and I’ve exported all the excel files into CSV, with UTF-8 encoding option. However, no matter how many times/different functions I called in R, different settings in R (I’ve tried Windows default encoding, which is windows-1252, and ISO, or the different read.table, readr), the Chinese characters are still not showing properly.
Some of the tips I’ve found helpful to understand the possible errors:
Although these tips didn’t solve my problem. It’s not about choosing UTF-8 or fileEncoding or encoding. At the end, it is fucking excel’s problem, because I found this one and it helped a lot: https://stackoverflow.com/questions…
Turns out even you selected encoding UTF-8 when you converting xlsx to CSV, excel doesn’t do it..So you can either convert the data to txt, or using google spreadsheet and download it as a CSV. Also, you have to cancel the automatically open downloaded file this option, because once excel opens the CSV, the encoding is messed up again.
Another thing to pay attention is that, at Import Dataset, when you use Data Viewer, it may not show the proper encoding results. My data could be imported properly if I finished the importing process rather than just look at the Data Viewer.
I also find UTF-8 is different from UTF8 (however, I can’t prove which one is correct), but I think my main problem here is caused by excel.

2017 回顾

正经写博客越来越少了。在农历新年来临之前总结一下过去的这一年好了。

1月
去印度参加了朋友婚礼
生日那天喝的大醉

2月
正经投出去第一篇一作文章
偷偷溜去法国待了一周,和维生素去了巴塞罗纳,可惜没进去圣家堂,但吃到了非常美味的tapas

3月
无甚大事,因为工作原因加上长距离,和维生素感情产生波动,经常跑到janet那里哭

4月
连着参加了波士顿的aag,巴尔的摩的us-iale,以及圣地亚哥的abm研讨会
见到了留学之后就没见过的nana和欢,无比怀念版纳
和维生素去了Yosemite和joshua tree,两人开诚布公之后反而更坚定了再一起的决心

5月
文章接收,minor revision
waterloo参加resilience会议,见到development resilience的作者
一篇三作的文章投稿

6月
普渡参加gtap会议
月底回国
被以前的导师骚扰

7月
黑龙江调研,进展顺利
第二篇一作文章投稿
三作文章major revision
和维生素在西宁会和,一路向西,终于见到敦煌中的各色佛像

8月
继续在北京的实验室工作
三作文章接收
带维生素见了高中朋友们,换了一本新护照

9月
到伦敦在kings访学一个月,模型终于跑起来了。。。
去法国了两次,一次一周,一次周末,维生素来伦敦过了个周末,看了wicked
买了三个lv,一个prada,都不是给自己买的

10月
项目开年会,第二篇一作文章minor revision,之后一直忙报销的事情
和维生素正式决定申请加拿大pr,他考了法语和英语
体重达到颠覆,决定减肥

11月
算是在电话里订婚了吧
工作上没有大的进展,一直在输入问卷。。。
成功做到只social drink一个月

12月
提交了一篇二作的review文章,见到了resilience界的一个大牛
圣诞和新年假期和维生素跑了西边的四个国家公园,在vegas看了太阳马戏团的一场表演
最后一天在sedona的停车场把租的车给蹭了。。

1月
在sedona过新年,两个人懒到就在宾馆房间看书,也没出去跟人群倒数
从芝加哥连夜开车回lansing,11号在hall of justice的一间法庭领了个证,几位朋友专门从加拿大过来,好多同事也来了。头一天和后一天都大雪,难得领证那天天气温暖,穿单裙在外面也不冷。老板晚上也去露了个面。之后和大家去了芝加哥过周末,把维生素送到机场。

领证那天因为化妆的原因差点迟到,跑到法院才见到维生素。他一直亲我、说开心。一直都觉得我们俩结婚是business decision,没有预期他是这么真诚的开心,还纠正我说现在不是男朋友了,是丈夫了。可能和前男友在一起总是患得患失,不敢相信男生是可以作出结婚这种承诺的,不知道感情可以没有drama就这么顺利。

一开始并没有觉得结婚后有什么本质上的改变,因为现在还是异国,而且我们就简单领了个证,双方父母也都还不在。直到在芝加哥的最后一天早上,他醒了之后又亲我,说特别特别开心我们结婚了,我才意识到这个人是真的要和你一起过一辈子(至少当下他是认真的),就忽然开始哭了,特别希望能够赶紧一起搬到加拿大去,开始真实的婚姻生活,认认真真过日子。

2017年开局不利,我还记得生日的后一天打电话给维生素哭,说觉得自己三十岁了还一事无成。但是这一年算是越走越顺吧,不管是工作还是个人感情。2018年开局顺利,希望后面也一切顺利。

#metoo

The urge of talking about this has been itchy for at least a week. Finally, I decided to find a way to organize my thoughts and express the anger and anxiety in me, in a more rational mood.

 

This summer I was harassed by my former professor in graduate school.

 

When I was in Beijing I went to visit him. The last time we met was three years ago, and people need to show respect to professors/teachers in China, as a cultural tradition. He invited me to this dinner party that his phd student celebrating the graduation with fellows from his lab. The dinner went like any other Chinese official banquet, there is one person who has most of the power and sits in the center of the table while everyone else (12+ students) has to kiss his ass. I was never a fan of this kind of thing, but I also understand if I want to go back to china with a good job offer, it is obligate to attend.

 

Everything was fine until we switched venue to a karaoke bar after dinner. My former advisor was slightly drunk, in a pretty damn good mood, since this phd student landed a damn good job offer. Things started going down at the bar. At first I just feel he came too close. He sat next to me, skin to skin. Then he forced me to sing a love duet with him and staring at me and trying to hold my hand as an act for the duet. I didn’t finish the song and moved to sit to the other corner of the room because I already raised suspicion. What confirmed my suspicion is when he walked across the room and sat next to me, again, skin to skin. What made me feel worse is when he started to touch my back and waist, acting like he was too drunk to support himself of accidently touched my skin. The last straw is that he slided his hand from my knee down to my shin. I stood up and told the host, the phd student, that I need to leave because I’m still suffering from jetlag.

 

I was so angry that I was trembling on the taxi back to my hotel. I wasn’t sure if I was angrier at myself or at the professor, a married man, a teacher of mine, who did this to me. I am still not sure about the object of my rage even today. I called my good friend in Beijing and told him what just happened. I remember telling my friend in the phone that, (1) I told the prof I have a boyfriend, (2) I wasn’t dressed inappropriate, i was wearing a cardigan, and my dress goes down to my knees, (3) I didn’t flirt with him at all. (4) did he do this to me because he thought i am easy since my boyfriend is a foreigner?  You see, Immediately I started to check if it’s me did something wrong, which may misguide him that I am interested to sleep with him.

 

It is not a solo instance. Now look back at my time in that institute as his student, he was trying to flirt with me from time to time. The most obvious one is that he offered to take me to some resort hotel outside of Beijing during weekend, which I said no thank you. But he didn’t dare to touch me physically back then. However, I did see him as a model or admired him as a student, and I didn’t tell anyone I had a boyfriend back then. And I am more open minded than any other fellow students in the lab. So maybe, perhaps, he is not the only one to blame? That is why I had the checklist going when I was in the taxi?

 

Every detail is still crystal clear. Every time I look back at this harassment and my time there as a student, I blame myself for not standing up against him at the scene and giving him a slap on the face. There were at least eight other female students at dinner, who are much younger, naïve, and innocent than me. I want to ask them if this monster being harassing them as well, and I want to tell them it is ok to fight back. But how could I? First of all, I do not know them and they know little about me. I have graduated from the lab five years ago and they only heard my name. I don’t know if he ever harassed anyone else. Secondly, which is more important, I didn’t stand up against him myself. How can they expect me as a role model? Lastly, the most important reason, is that, I have no idea where I can report him to? I am only an alumni of the institute, there is no liability issue from the school on me anymore. Moreover, I’m pretty sure even a registered student may have no place to file a complaint. People in charge may just let them shut up, or worse, give them a hard time to graduate for speaking ill of the professor who is in power. Students who report these kinds of things often end up with a slutty reputation as well (particularly if i was the only victim and my boyfriend is foreigner). So no one really wants to disclose those monsters. I’m also worried about the consequences apparently. Do I have any evidence that he harassed me? Students there in the same bar may see nothing. Since he only touched me and it’s not something worse, like many other victims suffering from penetration, people may just say, oh shut up, stop pretending to be a victim here. It is also that once I speak up, there is no possible network for me in this institute, it’ll be a bridge well burned. All these fears, these worries, stopped me from doing anything further. After that night, he texted me a few times while my time in Beijing, inviting me to dinner in private. I turned them down, politely. That’s the keyword, politely. I’m still so afraid to even confront with him.

 

During the phone call in the taxi, my friend tried to calm me. He is a salesman in a company. He said, yeah, it is really common that women in the workplace are often taken advantage. He has several female colleagues who have to deal with customers at dinner table from time to time. And because they need to sell products, there’s no other way but accept and suffer in silence. It’s a rule of thumb. There are other stories I heard from friends who work in China this summer. It is also true in academia, female faculty members will be invited to resort venues for meetings to “balance the gender”, which usually it’s the male professors are in charge of the meetings, and female profs are just there as dancing/dinner partners. Basically, escort. I’m sure same stories lying around and are easy to find. This makes me sad, how pathetic is the working environment for Chinese women. They already suffer significant prejudice from maternity leave and household responsibilities, which is worsen because of the second children policy. Now they are still being treated like a sex tool even they are as capable as their male colleagues?

 

 

I didn’t speak out when the #metoo went viral on facebook and twitter, because my case is cultural specific. Because of my background, I guess I’ll never be able to just blame the professor who gave me these endless self-doubt, or ever collect the courage to confront him or warn his students. Even this essay I’ll only post it on my personal website instead of share it on facebook like I usually do. But I do want to have some answers or clear thoughts on my other rage, to one of my friends’ reaction to this.

 

There are not many people aware of this assault. People I told are all my close friends that I trust. They are all very supportive and warm, offering me lots of assurance. However, there is this one friend, after I told him, asked me, are you sure he touched you not because he is just too awkward to show his affection to you?—The arguments with him is actually a trigger for my anger and willingness to write down these words.

 

To his question, I said no, it is not him being awkward, it is because this is not appropriate for him to do so. First of all, he is married, secondly, he was my professor and is still at a more powerful position than me. Then my friend raised an assumption, which is, would you still feel uncomfortable or unacceptable if he is young, attractive, unmarried? I told him that I may very likely to grow affection to this person, but I still think it’s not acceptable for him doing this. Especially you need approval before you can touch anyone! But I feel very offended by his assumption, it makes me judge myself that I only rejected him or feel disgusted because my professor who touched me against my own will is married and not attractive.

 

Not long ago we had a second argument, when the Hollywood harassment thing is going viral. This time this friend initiated the discussion. He said he doesn’t understand why people only feel powerless, to him, the predators’ behaviors are weird, which is not a power dynamic. This made me jump off my chair. I know this friend means no harm and we often argue about things. However, once again, I am extremely angry at what he just wondered. This sounds like the harassment victims are in a power equal position with those predators, and it is their fault to feel powerless and not fight back at the scene. You see, this is exactly what I have been blaming myself for. So, this time, instead of arguing with him, I just tell him to shut up. I told him, being a friend means you need to be supportive if anyone is going through a sexual harassment, not being judgmental.

 

I know this friend, as a victim himself once, has no intention to criticize me or blame me for not standing up. I still feel extremely angry at his tone. But later when I am less furious, I started to think if his argument has some merits. Maybe we do need to feel less powerless but analyze the predators’ behaviors so that we can find a solution? However, I can’t seem to be able to convince myself. Emotionally, I kind of still suffering the fact that I didn’t do anything to stop him, and this is why I am angry at my friend’s tone, because it is true that I did feel powerless and it is the reason I didn’t stand up, for myself and for others. However, that monster professor is the person who started it, it is not my fault not to feel his behavior weird, but rather disgusting, offensive, assaulting, and destructing. It is the society’s fault that women are often victims to these types of situation. Why they did it? Because they are sick. Because society gives them power to assault women at no cost. Is it weird? Should we think their behaviors as weird? I don’t care. It is WRONG for them to do so. WRONG, not weird.

 

Anyway, I’m still angry at myself today. For both not standing up, and for not winning the argument with my friend. This essay definitely helps to clear my thoughts and makes me less upset. I wish in the future, I can find peace with myself, and, the worst case scenario, if this type of thing ever happened again, I will pull myself together and stand up against it.

Our trip to California (and a first try of story map)

I tried ArcGIS story map with our trip to California, here’s the link:

Wictor and Yue’s trip to the west coast

This April, Victor and I had a road trip along the coast of California. We visited Yosemite (of course, highlight of California), santa barbara (a grad school friend of mine, Dr. Shaohua Wang is a visiting scholar at UCSB), LA (after we saw La La Land), Joshua Tree, and San Diego (my ABM conference was there).

We enjoyed our time a lot at the two national parks, also enjoyed food in LA (but not the city), and beer at San Diego.

 

产于印度黄金海岸带的腰果甜酒

今天要介绍Feni,一种只出产于印度南部Goa地区,并且只能在该地区贩售的酒。Feni有两种:一种酿自腰果(cashew),另一种是由酒椰子(toddy palm)酿自而成。因为我去玩的时候正好尝了一下腰果甜酒,所以今天来谈谈腰果酒。

 

印度的Goa是个独特的所在。Goa是印度最小的一个联邦(相当于咱们的省,面积大概占印度国土总面积的0.1%),位于印度南部的孟买和班加罗尔之间。不同于印度的大部分地区,Goa是受葡萄牙人统治的,一直到1961年才脱离殖民,晚了印度独立整整14年(为什么呢?因为受葡萄牙人的影响,整个goa都很悠闲)。Goa有很长的海滩,常年招待很多从俄罗斯、英国和欧洲大陆来度假的退休老人。近年来也有越来越多的印度年轻人来这里赶新潮。我觉得很像咱们的海南(常年很多俄罗斯和东北银哦)。不同于三亚的是Goa有山,植被繁茂,生长着很多名贵的香料和坚果。腰果就是其中一种。

腰果的坚果(cashew nut)是长在果实(cashew fruit)上的,一个巨大的腰果果只结一个小小的坚果粒。当地人将腰果的坚果从腰果果实部分采摘之后,坚果拿去烘干、封装,果实部分则被用来做酿酒。

上半部分是fruit,下面小小的是我们常吃的腰果

上半部分是fruit,下面小小的是我们常吃的腰果

当地人将腰果的果实碾碎,然后将汁水收集起来,装进一个特殊的陶制锅状容器。容器底下可以生火,用于蒸馏。蒸馏之后的腰果汁流入另一口半埋于地下的陶制容器,自然发酵几天之后就是酒精浓度在45%左右的腰果甜酒啦!

(酿造feni的土容器)

(酿造feni的土容器)

我当时去了一个香料种植园参观,他们就还在用这种土制容器。不知道是否不能工业化腰果甜酒的生产,Feni大部分目前还是这种小规模的生产作坊方式。在种植园的时候我尝了一小杯,虽然酒精度数和伏特加差不多,却很好入口,非常甘甜,像度数稍烈的白葡萄酒。售价也出乎意料的便宜,比如路边小餐馆里,一杯纯feni是20印度卢比,而一杯啤酒则要100印度卢比。

(干了这杯feni)

(干了这杯feni)

可惜我当时并不知道feni在别处买不到,不然就背一瓶回来,壮大我们小酒馆的收藏了。诶。

Why female PhDs are under prejudice

Here is a true story of mine: I was hanging out with several friends, who are all grad students of course, on a Saturday evening at a pub. It was Halloween, so everyone else was dressed up in funny costumes except us.  A guy wearing a yellow chicken costume came over to our table and started talking to me. He was good-looking and good mannered, which carried the conversation quite smoothly. After telling me he is an undergrad student in Accounting, he asked “what’s your major?” I answered without thinking “oh, I’m a PhD student in Geography.” All of a sudden, our conversation froze, so did his facial expression. He was so shocked that he could not say a single word. “What?!” he found his tongue after ten seconds, “you’re a PhD student! No wonder you look smart.” Not surprisingly, he vanished soon.

 

In China, female PhD students are called the “third” category of human beings, beside “male” and “female”. When I told my family and relatives my decision of pursuing a doctoral degree, they tried to persuade me to give up by all kinds of methods. Before I came to Canada, I thought highly-educated females are only discriminated against in China. However, I was very wrong: female doctoral students have to suffer prejudices, not only in China, but all over the world.

 

Personally, I hate being labeled as female PhD student, because this label always comes along with the descriptions of nerd, bossy, unfashionable, emotionless, etc.; actually, I like this group of people very much (not because I myself am part of this group). They are highly intelligent, they are passionate for their own research, they can handle stressful situations, they are powerful in fieldwork, and they are attractive from the inside out. Basically, they should be called “Super Woman” instead of “neither man nor woman”. Trying to understand why they’re under unfair prejudice, I did an informal survey on Facebook and Chinese version Facebook, and I have more than 50 responses. However, the answers may not be representative due to the majority of my friends/respondents being all grad students.

 

The most popular answer is that highly-educated women are threatening to men’s domination. Such threatening can be found in every respect of daily life, which makes the male gender not as satisfied as they used to be. Without doubt, men have long been in dominating positions among genders. They are unwilling to accept the fact that women can perform equally well as long as both of them have equal access to proper education. The second popular answer is that women’s natural duty is to raise children and support their family, which female PhDs can’t devote enough time and energy to. One can simply imagine how hard it is to balance trivial housework and tens and hundreds of proposals, experiments, and papers. Besides, most of the female PhDs are above the average age of marriage and giving birth—“retarded” in their personal life, which is a general social issue nowadays. The third answer is that the unfair judgement is just sour grapes.  People (either men or women) who can’t pursue a PhD degree are jealous of those who can, especially those who are female; men who can’t have a partner with a PhD degree will defend themselves as “we don’t want to because they’re monsters”.

 

To my huge relief, excepting the above answers, most of my respondents said that they are not scared of female PhDs at all; on the contrary, they admire this group of people as “heroines with both beauty and wisdom”. However, I am not 100 percent satisfied with these answers, because none of them can explain why people only have prejudice for female PhDs instead of powerful women in other regimes (for example, female CEOs).  Moreover, the survey should have covered people with different degrees to represent diversity. Anyhow, at least I have learned my lesson: never tell strangers that I’m a PhD student when we are at pub on a Saturday night.

Beyond its visual effects: what I see from Avatar

Having seen Avatar twice already, I was still very excited when I received the email from Galaxy, the largest entertainment company in Canada, saying that I have the chance to see it for the third time. I also broadcast this news to my friends and invited them to see this thought-provoking movie with me.

 

People’s first impression of Avatar is its pioneering effects: huge screen, excellent sound, three-dimensional image, magical creatures, and bold imagination. Avatar won three Oscar awards: best achievement in art direction, in cinematography, and in visual effects—all related to visual arts. From this point of view, Avatar is an extraordinary “must see” movie. It is a milestone of movie art.

 

However, the storyline of Avatar is quite simple, compared to its mind blowing visual effect. A paraplegic retired marine is sent to Pandora to collect local information for a greedy human company. After spending a few days with Navi, the native people on Pandora, he falls in love with this planet and the people. Thus he betrays his original mission and helps Navi to fight for their rights and protect their beautiful planet. A lone hero saves the entire world, very typical Hollywood storyline. This is why some people argue that this movie is not a “great” movie, only its visual effects are great.

 

Although this storyline is naive and utopian, I enjoyed the movie very much. Not only its visual effects, but the story inspired me profoundly. As a geography PhD student, I can find some similarities between the situation in Pandora and my study area, the Brazilian Amazon: these areas are full of resources and their own spirits and values, but native society and economics are less developed (according to outsiders’ standards), which bring them the danger of exploitation from outside capital. When facing this danger, there are only two results for native people in history and in movies: colonization or temporary victory. Unfortunately, the latter one happens only in movies. When it comes to reality, the results can be unbelievably severe. For instance, the population of Native Americans dropped from 40 million to 3 million after the colonist massacre. Even in the end of Avatar, I call the victory a “temporary” victory, because there will be a second, a third battle since the capital is always chasing for profit. Navi people won’t be safe forever.

 

Neither colonization nor temporary victory is what we want. First of all, one can’tstop capital coming into these virgin areas. Secondly, there will be a “war” (even a war without bloodshed) inevitably; when that real war happens, no supernatural “forest creatures” can be called to fight for justice as in Avatar. Last, for the native people themselves, advancing with the times seems a more practical solution than dying in a massacre and ending with their culture disappearance altogether. Some people may say that they would choose to fight until the last person and last minute. This is the least responsible method to me: you let the people die for no return, you let the land be exploited with no respect, and you let the unique culture disappear from the world. Moreover, in the movie itself, Navi killed tens and hundreds of human beings during the war. One may argue there should be no mercy in a war, but those human soldiers are not cold-blooded killers, they are just soldiers who perform their duties. However, the ultimate goal is that we have to find the balance of life and nature via avoiding loss of any side.

 

Thus comes the question: how can we find a win-win solution for both native people and the capital market. For the capital market, chasing more profit is the only purpose, no matter what paths must be taken: war, colonization, destructive exploitation, or more gentle and sustainable development. The first three are faster but not durable approaches, while only the last approach is sustainable and can earn public credibility as well. For the native people, cooperation is their last and only chance, so trying to win over a better contract or business mechanism at the very beginning is recommended. Impacts from outside are inevitable, of course, but the undesirable impacts can be reduced to their lowest. If we calculate the loss and profit from both sides, cooperation is the optimum solution.

 

The real world is much crueller than the fairy tale of Avatar. Although the story ends “happily” in the movie, one must not forget the tremendous loss of Navi as well as earth people. Trying to avoid bleeding, learning experiences from history, and finding an optimum solution are what we should be inspired by Avatar beyond its magical visual effects.

【9】Can REDD save the forest?

 

【明明应该是六月七日发布的日志】

第九个月的主题当然是学术。

二月份的时候老板就说让我参加CAG,the annual meeting of Canadian association of Geographers。因为committee member 德哥刚来我们系任教,受命主持其中一个ABM的session。不然之前Ray告诫过我说在CAG上讲ABM底下的人都听不懂的,AAG还差不多(AAG有关ABM的section持续了两天)。老板当时问我做个poster怎么样,我考虑了一下,脑残的说,要不还是做个presentation吧。后来发现当时自告奋勇的我是有多“无知者无畏”和“不自量力”。

这个会议也让我意识到了自己有多严重的procrastination。proposal很早就写好了,却一直不去动手调程序,觉得应该没有那么难搞定。在这种盲目的自信和懒惰中迎来了最后一个月的苦逼生活。还好有ray(我那几天跟ray发了大概一百多封邮件。。。)和吴龑还有其他人的帮忙,在报告的前两天跑出了实验结果。也因此意识到很多idea是好,但是在具体执行过程中编程的困难;以及反之,编程时可以产生的一些新的idea。交相辉映?互为促进?

初写proposal时的想法其实很简单,测测那种价钱最合适补偿农民。实验进行中才意识到“从上至下”的宏观计算和“从下至上”的模拟之间可能产生的巨大差别。用经济学原理计算出来的农民肯接受的补偿价格要远远高于模拟时能够产生作用的补偿价格。虽然我也希望能够给农民更多补偿,但是当经费有限或者发达国家以“太贵”为借口时,我们可以拿出模拟的结果为例证驳斥这种说法。当然,模拟还是有很多需要验证/改进的地方的。

后来和老板还有德哥商量,按我自己的想法就是越快出文章越好。老板是老好人,什么都OK,德哥就不行了,直接来了一句“我们都知道这个实验的内容是不够出文章的”。德哥,我不关心第一篇文章的质量啊,555。。。这么一来我想趁热打铁出文章的斗志又没有了。

总之,还是斗志不够,自我管理能力不够。

【8】Parenting

【明明应该是五月七日发布的日志】

不知不觉进入了加拿大的夏天,小草绿了,小花开了,遍地的蒲公英,满树的红桃花,风景美如画,词语真贫乏。

在这样一个夏天里,因为她爸要回国,傻姑bella同学暂居我家整整一个月,于是我就提前体会了一把当家长的酸甜苦辣。

1,养娃之苦

bella在我家的时候正好过了她的一岁生日,由于是拉布拉多和德国牧羊犬的混血,加上还是个puppy,格外活泼好动,运动量巨大,用同学和我老板的话说是“that dog is crazy, full of energy”。早上傍晚半夜各遛一次,早上和半夜不少于半个小时,傍晚那次因为草坪上经常有很多狗狗,所以就放她玩至少一个小时。饶是如此,bella同学回家之后还是不安分,会叼着球跑到你面前让你丢球跟她玩。有时在草坪上跟别的狗狗追逐一两个小时,累到回家就整个趴在地上大喘气,我和室友以为可以轻松一下了,没一会儿她就又活蹦乱跳的往你身上扑了。

有段时间室友不在,我还要准备一周之后的报告,每天被程序折磨的痛苦不堪,还有一个人照顾她的重任。有一天晚上骑车回去,遛bella一个小时,做饭,11点左右又冒雨骑车往学校赶,继续调程序,到半夜两点再骑车回去。这边大农村跟北京不一样,天一黑,路上没人没车,只有松鼠和星光。后来骑那些个大上坡的时候也不知道脸上是雨水还是泪。第二天早上九点跟导师有会,遛完bella准备出门,傻姑同学不知道发什么疯,追着我跑出来,拉都拉不回去。多亏有邻居joel帮忙,才hold住她,关进了屋。因为这一闹,就特别急的骑车往学校赶,在ring road上拐弯时没减速整个人从车上摔了出去。坐在地上傻了30秒,爬不起来。有司机停下了问我“are you okay?”,除了回答”i’m alright, thanks”,还能说什么,您能帮我带狗吗,您能帮我写程序吗?爬起来继续往办公室骑,还不能哭,因为马上要开会。

单亲妈妈真的不好当,不是谁都能成为女超人。

2,养育之乐

有一天想要去咖啡馆享受一个悠闲的下午,锁门的时候bella一如既往的趴在窗口用忧郁的小眼神瞅着我。于是在咖啡馆里,我的脑海里全是她那小眼神和可怜兮兮的模样,不到一个小时就受不了,赶紧回家了。去上学的时候留她一个人在家还好,可是我要出去玩,留她一个人在家就总是特别愧疚。心里有个东西需要你记挂着,即使分量不是那么重,也总是在你心里,吃不香,玩不high,“陌上花开缓缓归”么。

最开始的时候不习惯看电视或者吃饭时总有个毛茸茸热乎乎的“生物”、“东西”或者“别人”在你旁边蹭来蹭去;也不习惯一开门就有个庞然大物冲出来扑到你身上;更不忍心每天晚上睡觉关门时,bella总是可怜兮兮的在房门口蹭来蹭去试图进屋跟你一起睡(尽管一直到最后我都不知道晚上她怎么睡觉的)。可是她爸把她接走后的头几天,开门时再也没有期待,出门时亦不再有牵挂,淡淡的觉得心头空落落的。

这就是所谓的“永远的牵挂”吗?

3,邻居之善-side effects

后来带bella出去的时候,已经可以记得这个neighbourhood的所有狗狗的名字,常常跟他们的主人打招呼问好。我记得从东欧过来的john和他的两岁的狗狗mika,mika是猎犬,永远一副女王范儿,每次都自己叼着球优雅的跑大圈,bella就在后面哼哧哼哧的跟着追,狼狈的要死,却怎么都追不上。还有一个加拿大大叔david和他的狗marlo,七个月的金色拉布拉多,一岁之后就会被送去成为导盲犬。david听说我们是babysitting之后,就专门从家里拿了好多狗玩具,每次如果碰见我们都会帮我们遛bella多一会儿。还有一个大叔,我不记得他的名字了,坚持带我去走了旁边的woods,太美了,我后来专门去走过好多次,还在那里认识了trillium。

有一回bella自己从我们家后院跳出去了,我穿着拖鞋和睡衣就冲了出去,急得眼泪都出来了。开林肯加长的邻居老爷爷主动说,我开车带你们在这附近转转,你这样跑要找到什么时候。我们开车在neighborhood里转了一圈又一圈,bella被车撞倒在血泊里的画面,bella找不到家变成流浪狗的画面,许效回来骂我的画面,像放电影一样在我脑海里播放。过了漫长的时间,终于在一家人门口看见了被拴在门口的bella。原来两个大姐看见bella乱跑,就合力拽住了她。但是因为狗链上没有电话,地址也是许效家的,所以只好把狗狗拴在门口,等着主人来找。我跑过去一把抱住了bella,傻姑还茫然不知的在那里活蹦乱跳,让我哭笑不得。

第二天我买了蛋糕去答谢开车的爷爷和那两位帮我们拽住傻姑的大姐。爷爷家好认,因为门口有加长林肯车,可是因为太激动,却忘记了那两位大姐的地址。找了一圈,还敲开了几家的门,未果,后来就自己把蛋糕给吃了。姗琪说她后来遛bella的时候还被那两个大姐认出来了,结果也没记住她们家地址。

所以要找房子的时候,想想这么好的neighborhood舍不得,就决定继续在这里住下了。

4,担忧

我问了好多朋友,说,我觉得我对bella的照顾,是责任多于爱,那种发自内心的爱。我会担心她是否吃好睡好开心了,但是是基于父母的义务,而不是主动自发的那种感情。如果她乖乖的,我会非常高兴;如果她不听话,我会很严厉的训斥她。那万一我以后对自己的小孩儿也是责任多于爱怎么办?要是他们表现的不好,我就不爱他们了怎么办?墨西哥大姐说,有时候责任和爱是连在一起的,你没法真正分开他们;况且你知道bella只在你们家待一个月,潜意识里知道不能放太多感情进去。巴基斯坦大姐说,哦,怀孕的时候荷尔蒙一分泌,你就明白所有的事情都不一样了。三哥也说,for sure you’ll love your own children.

好吧,我就这么希望吧。

傻姑bella,希望你跟你爸爸住的开心,你未来的老妈会发自内心的爱你。

 

【7】虚怀若谷

看,拖拉机不仅能拉猪还能拉人去枫糖节,要学着接受啊亲!

看,拖拉机不仅能拉猪还能拉人去枫糖节,要学着接受啊亲!

其实三月份的主题应该是“切忌刚愎自用”,或者更简单的讲,要能接受不同事物、想法、意见。虚怀若谷这个词可能也不对,欢迎提供纠正意见(我还专门查了该成语的意思,不仅英文没有练好,中文也退步了)。

之前跟同学聊天的时候说到“文商指数”——人们接受、适应不同文化的能力,加拿大国民的文商指数全球排名第一,这当然和加拿大是移民国家的背景分不开。作为在加拿大生活了七个月的我,也渐渐开始学会平心静气的接受不少cultural shock甚至academic shock了。

第一次意识到自己会不由自主的评判别的文化,是和中德混血heidi聊起西式早午餐这个话题。我当时皱着眉头问“为什么你们要在早上吃那么油腻的土豆呢?”,潜意识里认为西人果然肠胃更厉害且不会像我们做精致的各色早点。Heidi说,这是我们的习惯呀,以前农民要出去做工,早上出门前吃土豆会很管饱。这是个多么合情合理的原因啊,在我了解它之前为什么要在心里鄙视耐饿的土豆呢。。。

第二次是跟韩裔tutor的一次对话。前两个星期滑铁卢天气非常抽风,直接从冬天过渡到了夏天(今天又下雪了,暂时就不吐槽这个天气随机播放的2B城市了)。我只一个周末没有见到tutor,再看见她时她已经黑得像刚去了一趟非洲。我很惊讶(其实有点嫌弃)的问她怎么变得这么黑了,她说不知道呀,没注意就这样了,语气轻松愉悦,一点也不像我们晒黑后大惊小怪的样子。我其实知道北美这边流行”美黑“,在多伦多出生的我tutor肯定更是taned的爱好者,只是一时没忍住嘴快就问出了那个问题。关键是后来小组讨论的时候,一个香港背景的CBC说”啊,怎么会有人想要美白?!“。。。

说起来咱们祖国一直强调自己是多民族融合的国度,但其实汉族的同化力实在强大,我猜测大概由于我们不允许”特立独行“的事物或者行为以及人的存在。从小受这种教育长大的我,不仅理所当然的长成了一个”面目模糊“的”好学生“,更是认为所有的事情都应当和我的”饮食习惯“、对”美“的看法相同。但其实多元化才是发展的基础呀,不然我们干嘛拯救基因库,又为什么强调多学科综合,甚至连agent在做选择时也是不同偏好才使平均utility更高呢。

除了这些,最近因为读了几篇导师给的文章,所以对我博士研究的ABM也有了一点观念上的转变。我一直认为土地利用模拟一定要跟现实做对比,不能反映现实的模型不是好模型,不能被generalize的决策规则不是好的规则。所以以前读文章的时候总是纠结于ABM的验证环节的缺失和先天不足,以及即使做现实的模拟,结果也总是差强人意,甚至都不优于随机的模型结果。。不过现在已经开始慢慢接受这第三种科学方法了,我的理解就是试着通过现有的样本、案例、经验、理解做出在这种情况下最合理的假设,或者最好的模拟结果,对于导致这种结果的过程,我们可以怀着信心和信念,因为人类和环境的复杂性,我们看到的感知到的永远是受限制的。而且与其他科学研究以推理演绎、归纳总结为方法和Occam’s razor为指导思想不同的是,ABM是试图尽力反映人类的交互和人类环境交互的混乱性。。所以我们永远无法将所有的可能性考虑进来,提出一个简单的人类决策规则,建立一个完美的ABM模型。

reading list还很长,code也很多,同志仍需努力。学术之路,最重要的大概就是虚怀若谷了吧。

特别鸣谢:教授同学